I often write about what happened today, or recently. However, I think it might be fun to capture some memories from long ago.
Here is one you might like.
In Year 10/Sophomore Year of High School, we had school camp at the end of the year on the coast. After 4 days of catching waves and going for hikes, but otherwise doing very little, we headed back home.
We went on the bus alphabetically, and I think was the last one on. There was only one spare seat left, next to a kid with a surname starting with the letters Ab-, so you already know where this is going.
I sit down to next to Mr Ab-, and we start having a bit of a yarn. Pre ubiquitous iPhones, this was the norm, and usually a bit of fun. The topic of conversation was unremarkable; football, school, losers etc. It was when my interlocutor brought up “hot chicks” was when things really got interesting.
Like most 16 year old boys, I had no idea what to do around girls, but fortunately, my neighbor had it all figured out. He walked me through his seemingly fool-proof plan.
- Step 1: on Saturday night, we go to one of the girls’ boarding houses and hang out in the common room
- Step 2: eventually, a bunch of girls will inevitably come over and ask why we are hanging out together. At this point we tell them our secret; that we are, in fact, GAY.
- Step 3: every girl wants a gay best friend, so they won’t have an issue inviting us back to their dorms, despite it being an almost expellable offense. Doesn’t matter if you’re GAY! though, apparently
- Step 4: once in the dorm, we can get freaky! Because we’re clearly GAY! my friends who I usually repulse will have no issue getting their kit off, because hey, why would I be interested in women?
- Step 5: once high levels of trust have been assured, Mr Ab- pulls a Trump card, and informs the easily fooled crowd that he and I are not, in fact, GAY!. However, our audience will be so hypnotized by their sense of comfort that we managed to evoke (after all, who doesn’t trust the person who bettays your confidences for naked [quite literally] self-interest?), that they’ll be thrilled
- Step 6: ??
- Step 7: indulge in wild sexual romps that would cause Caligula to blush.
- Step 8: Fin.
I call it GAY! because that is exactly how my bus partner pronounced it while we drove along the Great Ocean Road.
Looking back, it was very strange. This whole plan was completely unhinged, and just so, so unlikely to work. It still makes me laugh.