My wife and I were chatting on the way back from a hike about how best to improve our verbal communication skills. I have been wondering how I could improve mine, and was tossing up between trying to sharpen my own “natural” style, or mimic someone who I admire, and see if I could integrate that into my own lexicon. It seems like the first option is the obvious answer, but on a second reflection, it isn’t. After all, we all ape the way we speak based on others, we just don’t consciously know it. Think about all the maxims you borrow from your parents, siblings, friends, or teachers. It’s a lot.
The conversation rolled on. We agreed that trying to replicate someone’s ENTIRE phraseology was never going to be possible, and furthermore, it wasn’t the point. People want to sound like Nigella Lawson when they’re talking about cooking, food, and family; they don’t want to speak in deliciously sultry terms when they are trying to get their Wifi connection hooked up.
Every time we admire someone’s skills, it’s always within context. At it’s essence, it is simply “I would like to be more like X when they do Y”. In the context of our conversation, it wasn’t about “how can I become a better speaker”, it was more, “how can I be more skilled at speaking in this particular situation/scenario/context”.
To be more precise, how could I be more verbally fluent when someone says something I disagree with, and needs to be corrected. And I don’t mean gently, I mean eviscerated. When I think of people who do that well, I think of Douglas Murray.
I quite like Douglas. I have read a few of his books, and went to hear him speak when he came to Denver. He’s erudite, impossibly well read, droll, and the definition of rapier wit. He’s also very funny. Over the years, he has made a living out of being able to tear his opponent’s arguments to shreds with nothing more than words and the occasional cocked eyebrow. He isn’t a huffer or puffer; au contraire, his calmness and precision of language allow him to be in total control. It’s calculated, and ruthless. It’s impressive.
But is it what I should aim at? Being able to eviscerate people at the Oxford Union in a debate where all parties have agreed to the occassion is very different to a dinner party or backyard BBQ. We have all seen someone who is verbally fluent tear strips off a lexiconally unarmed individual; unless it’s done REALLY well, or the person deserves it, it rarely paints the victor in a good light. Most people think, “what an arsehole”.
Bad outcome.
The conclusion I came to was that it might be worthwhile improving my verbal sparring skills, but just like martial arts, be sure to only use them in a DEFENSIVE situation. We have all had a situation where we wished we had the words to stand up to a bully, a bore, or a belligerent. Sadly, the words come too late, and you end the conversation silent, looking like a stunned mullet.
Bad outcome.
I’ll let you know my approach and the outcome.
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